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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28872273">Keep Holding On</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tumblingthroughtime/pseuds/tumblingthroughtime'>tumblingthroughtime</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Teen Wolf (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Birthday Party, Birthdays, Depressed Derek Hale, Depression, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied Relationships, POV Alternating, Parties, Pre-Relationship, Suicidal Derek Hale, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, author has depression, kinda ooc derek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:48:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,361</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28872273</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tumblingthroughtime/pseuds/tumblingthroughtime</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He can’t even eat properly or shower anymore. He’s so fucking useless it’s pathetic. He doesn’t even want to go to the party, he wants to die. On top of that, it’s a birthday party and birthdays have always been his least favourite part of the year. Ever since Kate. And now, he has to go to a birthday party, the same weekend as his birthday, the same weekend he planned to kill himself. He was finally gonna be happy on his birthday. Now he’s gonna have to endure yet another forgotten birthday and die on some regularly painful day. </p><p>-----</p><p>Or, Derek has depression and Stiles needs to help.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Derek Hale &amp; Stiles Stilinski, Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Keep Holding On</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>so i had the idea for this one shot after a depressive episode and honestly writing this has been very therapeutic, in a way</p><p>this can take place in canon-verse or not, i made it ambiguous on purpose, you decide</p><p>trigger warnings in tags</p><p>sorry for any spelling mistakes, i did one read through at 2 am</p><p>title from sanctuary by welshly arms</p><p>i hope you all enjoy, much love</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stiles has been knocking for like five minutes and Derek still hasn’t answered. He saw his car in the parking lot, though, so he knows that Derek is still here. He sighs and takes a risk, turning the doorknob on the off-chance that the door is unlocked. Surprisingly enough, it is open. Stiles walks into the studio and has to suppress a gasp at the sight that greets him.</p><p>Not only is it extremely cold and dark (Stiles tries to turn on a light but nothing happened) but it’s a horrible mess. Not that Stiles is a neat freak or anything but holy fuck. There are clothes strewn about everywhere, papers all over the floor and water bottles mixed into there. In the middle of all that, Stiles can barely see the floor. And the most puzzling of all is the lump covered in blankets on the bed. “Derek?”</p><p>The lump shoots up from the bed and looks around wildly before his eyes land on Stiles. If it weren’t so distressing, Stiles would’ve found it funny. Derek has bed head to the fullest extent, his eyes are wide and rabbit-like and he’s shirtless. But it’s hard not to notice the way his eyes seem huge only because his face is gaunt, cheeks hollow. Or the way his ribs protrude through his stomach. Or the way his wild hair is missing in some spots. “Stiles? What are you doing here?” Derek asks weakly. Very weakly.</p><p>“Um, I called and texted you but you never answered so I came.” He sort of trailed off near the end of there, totally against his will.</p><p>Derek pushes the sheets off his shoulder — and Stiles really doesn’t get how he can be shirtless in this cold — and swings his pant clad legs off the edge of the bed. “Oh. Uh, if I knew you were coming, I would’ve cleaned up a bit,” he says sheepishly, still speaking very softly. “Do you want something to drink? Or eat? I-I mean, I don’t think I have much food and the power went out awhile ago so I think all I have is some bottled water. Is that okay?” His voice was doing an odd thing where it had moments where it was strong and moments where it was weak. His posture was kind of doing the same thing.</p><p>Stiles is getting more and more worried. “Um, actually, I’m not very thirsty and I have to get going.” He meant to add <em>soon</em> to the end of the sentence, oops.</p><p>He tries not to think about the way Derek deflates at his words. “Oh. Um, can I ask what you’re doing here, then?” His voice got even softer than before.</p><p>“Yeah, I came to ask if you were free for Lydia’s birthday this weekend? It starts Saturday but we have a whole weekend thing planned.”</p><p>Derek’s back gets straighter and his eyes look a bit more — alive. “Lydia wants me there?” He asks and then cringes. Given Derek’s personality and appearance he was probably hating himself for how hopeful he sounded. God, when was the last time someone visited Derek?</p><p>“I mean, yeah most likely.”</p><p>“Oh. So she didn’t invite me.”</p><p>“No, not technically. But I am!” Derek winced at Stiles’ chipper voice. It didn’t really fit the tone of the room at the moment, but Stiles doesn’t like the tone of the room so he tries to change it.</p><p>“I think I’ll just stay here. I don’t want to go somewhere I’m not wanted. Thank you for inviting me, though. Really.”</p><p>He begins to pull the blankets back over his shoulder and Stiles semi-panics. “No! Wait! I really really want you to come. You won’t be unwanted, I mean even Isaac will be there!” Derek flinched a bit at the other boy’s name. “Please, come,” he pleads.</p><p>Derek nods and mutters <em>Okay</em>. He continues to pull the blankets back up so Stiles turns around to leave when he remembers the unlocked door. “Oh, Derek?”</p><p>Stiles turns around to see Derek already all bundled up back in the blankets as if Stiles had never been there. “Yeah?” Derek asks without even turning around.</p><p>“Well, when I came in the door was unlocked and you’re not coming to see me off sooooo why was the door unlocked and why are you keeping it that way?” That was a lengthy way to ask a question but whatever. It looked like the place needed to hear someone talk from time to time.</p><p>Derek does turn around now but stays under the covers. “It’s not like anyone will come in. I mean, except a murderer.” He gives a humourless laugh.</p><p>“It doesn’t scare you, the thought of a murderer coming in?” Stiles knew that he was afraid of the answer.</p><p>Derek gives him the saddest smile he’s ever seen and says, “Goodbye, Stiles.” And turns around in his bed again.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Derek had been planning on killing himself this weekend. Then Stiles came and not only made him embarrassed about his living conditions but invited him to a party where he wasn’t even wanted. He was gonna show up and it’ll just reinforce everything he’s thought about himself this past year. Since Isaac left. Left him for his stupid girlfriend and left Derek more alone than he’s ever been.</p><p>He can’t even eat properly or shower anymore. He’s so fucking useless it’s pathetic. He doesn’t even want to go to the party, he wants to die. On top of that, it’s a birthday party and birthdays have always been his least favourite part of the year. Ever since Kate. And now, he has to go to a birthday party, the same weekend as his birthday, the same weekend he planned to kill himself. He was finally gonna be happy on his birthday. Now he’s gonna have to endure yet another forgotten birthday and die on some regularly painful day.</p><p>He passes the rest of Thursday and Friday in his bed, in and out of sleep, uncomfortably hot even though the power’s been out for like a month. He doesn’t know the exact date of the power outage, he thinks he slept for that full week. But then all of a sudden it’s Saturday and Derek is expected at the party in an hour. He had to charge his phone after Stiles’s visit and was extremely surprised when his usual blank screen had 4 missed calls and 27 text messages. One of them had the date, time and address of the party. He wanted to cry but he was too tired, as was the case for the last six months.</p><p>He’s been staring at himself in the mirror for half an hour, completely aghast at how he looks. Skinny, hair falling out and skin a mix of yellow and white. A shower hadn’t helped at all, either. He thinks he needs food and sunlight, but even thinking of getting those two things makes him want to fall asleep right then and there. But then he thinks he’ll be late to his first public outing in a year and the thought of not speaking to someone so soon after speaking to Stiles physically hurts.</p><p>So he turns away from his disgusting reflection and fishes around in his closet for some clean jeans and a baggy shirt. He hasn’t done laundry in — a really long time. He finds the shirt easily enough but he has to look around on his floor for the jeans. He smells them and they smell clean enough so he pulls them on. Fuck, he’s gonna need a belt.</p><p>After he gets dressed, he sits down on the bed for about twenty minutes to catch his breath. He used to be able to go on hour long runs without even breaking a sweat and now he can’t stand for longer than ten minutes in a row. Fucking pathetic.</p><p>He arrives at the party an hour late, he assumes because of his breaks while getting ready. He gets out of the cab and heads towards Lydia’s lake house, dread and excitement warring inside him. He hears music coming from the house, but it sounds more like it’s coming from the backyard, instead of inside the house so he heads to the back, the music getting louder as he approaches.</p><p>When he gets to the backyard, he sees lights strewn everywhere, toys in the pool and a decent amount of people drinking and dancing to the music. He doesn’t see Stiles, though, so he just makes his way to the house, to check for him there. On his way, however, he gets intercepted by the birthday girl herself. “Derek, hey! What are you doing here?”</p><p>Halfway through her sentence, Derek is already berating himself. He always says <em>don’t get your hopes up, never get your hopes up, it always leads to disappointment </em>and what did he go and do? Got his fucking hopes up. “S-Stiles invited me?” He hates how weak and timid his voice sounds. Hates everything about himself right now. “But I understand if you don’t want me here, I’ll just go, I told Stiles not to invite me, I’m sorry, I’ll just go.”</p><p>He turns to leave, his eyes stinging with tears of rejection, and fuck he forgot how much it hurts to be reminded how little he’s wanted in this world. On the bright side, he still might be able to die as he planned. That cheers him up a little bit.</p><p>As his feet begin to move he hears Lydia call his name. “Derek, wait!” She says through a laugh. “I don’t mind that you’re here, I mean I don’t even know half these people, so seeing you is a welcome reprieve. I’ll just go fetch Stiles for you.” And then she’s out of sight.</p><p>Derek doesn’t really know where he’s supposed to be waiting, so he says put. Apparently, this was the wrong move, because he suddenly makes eye contact with Isaac fucking Lahey of all people. Derek averts his eyes immediately, hoping Isaac will just let him go and not put Derek through any further pain. But, then again, when has luck ever been on his side.</p><p>Isaac walks over to him, a smile that looks a little out of place plastered on his face. “Derek, hey!”</p><p>“Hi, Isaac.” He wishes he could figure out a way to give his voice some strength back. As if his body isn’t enough of a sign about how pathetic he is. “Um, how’s New York?” He asks when the silence gets too damn awkward.</p><p>“Good, good. People say it’s a dream to live there, but you know it gets kinda gross after a while.”</p><p>“And how’s Cara?”</p><p>“We broke up, actually.” Derek really fucking hopes his anger doesn’t show on his face. “Anyway, how are you doing?”</p><p>Derek really doesn’t mean for his mouth to open this wide, but nobody’s asked about his life in … he can’t even remember how long. “It’s, uhh, it’s going.” Lie. “I got fired a couple months ago, so I haven’t been able to pay my bills, rent’s kinda bleeding me dry. So my apartment is kinda cold at the moment, but it’s totally fine, you know I'm like my own personal heater. So it’s kinda tough, but you know…”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s great. Hey, Boyd!” He waves his hand over his head and leaves Derek without a second glance. Just like he did a year ago. <em>No wonder he left, nobody likes it when you fucking talk, you goddamn idiot. Just shut the fuck up and maybe Stiles will wanna stay by your side and won’t leave you like you fucking deserve.</em></p><p>Okay, no talking. He can do that. As long as he doesn’t have to suffer through this thing alone. Just don’t talk and Stiles will wanna stay. Simple.</p><p>Speaking of Stiles, he hears him speaking loudly to somebody as he makes his way over to Derek, his laugh bouncing around the backyard and putting Derek at ease. Derek gives himself one last warning before Stiles comes. <em>No talking unless asked a question.</em></p><p>“Hey, Stiles. Um, is there any water? Cause I’m getting kinda thirsty and I just saw Isaac for the first time in a while but I couldn’t —”</p><p>“Woah, calm down there, buddy. You sure you don’t want something stronger than water? You’re starting to babble like me.”</p><p>Whatever the fuck happened to staying silent, he doesn’t know. He thinks he just might be trying to catch up on all the talking he missed for the year he was alone. Something stronger might be nice. He tells Stiles as much.</p><p>“Alrighty then, come along with Stiles.” He leads him through the backyard and into the house. They have to lift themselves up onto the deck because it doesn’t have stairs. It takes Derek an embarrassingly long time, because of his lowered muscle mass. His lowered everything, really. He needs Stiles’s help — lanky, idiotic Stiles — and then hoists himself up onto the deck.</p><p>They enter the house, and though Derek has never really been here before, he feels a sense of calm. Despite the people yelling and barfing, it has a sense of home to it that puts Derek immediately at ease. Stiles leads him through to the kitchen where there are maybe fifteen bottles of varying alcohol and Stiles tells him to pick his poison. He chooses whiskey because it seems to be the strongest drink on the table.</p><p>He downs six glasses in three minutes and then abandons the glasses in favour of drinking straight from the bottle. He thinks he sees Stiles look mildly stunned but after enough gulps, everything seems too foggy to matter.</p><p>Not that things mattered much to him in the first place.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Stiles is getting a little scared about Derek’s behaviour. First, he shows up and according to Lydia, tried to leave immediately. Then, he babbles on about seeing Isaac again — which, why was that such a big deal? — and then consequently downs an entire bottle of whiskey and collapses.</p><p>Derek has never ever displayed any of these traits, and though Stiles hasn’t seen him in a year, it’s hard to believe he’s fallen this hard. Then again, looking at Derek’s body will prove it despite any other evidence.</p><p>Stiles hauls Derek up from where he crashed on the floor, causing Derek to start to giggle uncontrollably, and drags him over to the couch so he can rest. They’ve still got a few hours until midnight, until it’s officially the end of this party full of idiots and the beginning of the party of friends. He decides to relay this information to Derek as a means of calming him, but it seems to have the opposite effect.</p><p>“Oh.” And Stiles is really starting to hate that self-deprecating little <em>oh</em> he gives whenever he thinks something has gone bad for him. “Um, should I leave, then? And let you guys enjoy the day?”</p><p>Stiles tries to study Derek’s face to see where he could’ve possibly gotten the idea that he wasn’t a <em>friend</em> but Derek’s face is as impassive as ever. “No, Derek. You’re staying for the friend-party.”</p><p>Derek says his <em>oh</em> before thanking Stiles and then barfing all over Stiles’s shoes. Which then causes him to spew apologies and offer to leave again. Stiles has to physically drag him back onto he couch and say, <em>explicitly,</em> that he does not need to leave at any time.</p><p>After that, things quiet down. People start to leave, Lydia starts to clean and soon enough it’s just Stiles, Derek, Lydia, Allison and Scott left. They talk, and laugh and watch one of the dumbest movies Stiles has ever seen but Scott threatened to kill himself if they didn’t watch it, so watch it they did.</p><p>And, by the end of it, Derek has not only sobered up but Stiles thinks he might be smiling a little bit. At least, his mouth curled up a bit at the corners. Stiles has been sitting at the couch, with Derek at his feet and at some point during the night, Derek seemed to have gravitated towards him and was now practically hugging his leg. It wasn’t not enjoyable, so he let it be. Although, he thinks he saw Lydia give him a knowing look.</p><p>“Guys, look!” Scott exclaims and points to outside the window where the sun is beginning to come up over the river. “Come on! We’re gonna miss what we stayed up for!”</p><p>They all race out of the house, Stiles making sure to grab Derek’s arm so he can come too. While the rest of the gang goes to the middle of the beach, Stiles has spent so many nights with Lydia here, he knows a better spot to see the sunrise.</p><p>“Derek, come on! Stop dragging your feet,” Stiles orders.</p><p>He thinks he hears Derek giggle.</p><p>They make it up to this big hill, covered with grass and a perfect view of the skyline. It’s so fucking beautiful.</p><p>“It’s so fucking beautiful,” Derek says. He’s staring out at the sky with intense concentration. Stiles nods his agreement and then they both lapse into a comfortable silence. By the time they see the sun poking out, and not just colours, Derek speaks out of the blue. “Do you ever think this is what heaven looks like? Just — vibrant colours and calming sounds? Peaceful. I hope that’s what it’s like.” And then, under his breath, “Did you know today’s my birthday?” Stiles must be silent for too long, but honestly, it’s just cause he’s too stunned to say much of anything when Derek speaks again. “I should get going.” He gets up from the ground and makes to leave.</p><p>“Derek, what are you gonna do if you go home?” Stiles asks after a sudden burst of courage that stems mostly from fear.</p><p>Derek gives that sad smile he gave him a few days ago and repeats the same words. Now Stiles is terrified. He gets up from the hill and grabs Derek’s arm because he can’t seem to let him go. Not yet. “Derek. Derek. What happened this last year?”</p><p>“Enough to make dying seem like the lesser of two evils.” And wow. Stiles honestly did not think Derek was just gonna come out and say it. But now that he has, Stiles is too shocked to say anything.</p><p>“What if I don’t think that’s the right answer for you? What if I want you here?”</p><p>Derek starts to try and tug his arm out of Stiles’ grip but Stiles is not letting him go anywhere. He sighs a long, tired, drawn-out sigh and says, “Don’t lie.” His eyes seem — just — dead. Like in his mind, the act is already done. And maybe it is. But Stiles wants to fix that more than he’s ever wanted anything in his life.</p><p>“I’m not lying. I want you here. And maybe I haven’t been a great friend lately,” Derek scoffs at that part. “But I swear to you, not once have I ever wanted you dead. Okay, maybe when we first met, but never after I got to know you. Not once. I want you here, Derek. I’m not lying. I want you here. I fucking swear.” He sees Derek’s eyes soften, liven up but still have that bit of reluctance like he still doesn’t quite believe Stiles. “Just — stay. Stay with me. For today. And I will do all I can to convince you that you deserve to be here.”</p><p>“Stiles —”</p><p>“Just. Stay.”</p><p>“Okay. I’ll stay,” he answers after a minute of thinking with that look of deep concentration on his face. They go to lie back down on the grass and watch the sun, now well above the horizon.</p><p>A thought occurs to Stiles at the last second. “Derek?” He turns to face him. “Happy birthday.”</p><p>“Thank you.” He reaches over and grabs Stiles’ hand before turning so they’re looking into each other’s eyes. Stiles sees tears forming. “Really, thank you.” He turns back to look at the sunrise, but Stiles keeps looking at him until the sun is above them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank so so much for reading, leave a kudos and comment if you enjoyed. </p><p>i adore you all so much</p></blockquote></div></div>
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